It feels like a movie when two people hated each other in the beginning, but kept getting to know more about another, and finally fell in love in the end. Love taught me that anything is possible when you keep your heart open. That is what this story is about: an evolution of love from being thrown into a trash can to a deep connection that nourishes the soul.
1
“Hey Fan, can you not put the trash can in front of my drawer?”
“What?”
“It’s blocking my drawer. Your trash can.”
“It’s not my trash can.”
“I can’t open my drawer. I really don’t like it in front of my drawer.”
“…”
Mr. M looked pissed and I was confused. It was the first time a coworker, who just joined the company, “threw a tantrum” at me for the positioning of a trash can. What’s more, he is not bad looking.
2
“Fan, M is single. I think you two can make a cute couple.” D, my good friend from work, winked and gave me a “Cupid gaze” as if she was about to shoot a love arrow.
“Nah. He is so grumpy and complained about the stupid trash can to me the other day. I’m not interested.” I threw the Cupid’s arrow straight back to the god damn trash can, wondering how I was able to get through my work days sitting next to a cranky man.
3
“Have you met anyone you like from work? Have you made any friends?” My mom pried through my love life like a private detective. For some reason, my workplace has always been her most interested space to investigate. Sometimes I felt that was originated from her unfulfilled fantasy of dating a coworker.
“No mom.”
“What about new teammates? You said there was a new member joining the team who is good looking?”
“He is too petty, mom. Kept nagging about a trash can. Not my type.”
“How old is he?”
“I don’t know. Mom, I’m not interested.”
“Is he single?”
“Not interested, mom.”
“Why not ask him? Just making friends!”
“……”
4
This tall, good looking, skinny man appeared in my life like a fresh breeze of air from the Bay Area, then brushed me off like a tornado in Ohio. It was kind of like my dating life after moving to Columbus: came in hot and fresh, then ended in a mess leading to nowhere. All was just me reinventing the pain from the past. Then the whole world had to use a pandemic to put a halt on my chaotic love life. I was called to Bali to heal and then tied straight back home for months.
I felt lonely even if I was actively dating on virtual platforms. Maybe that was the reason I got lonely. To keep my sanity, I started painting and did a lot of yoga. My days were crammed with activities, travels, and occasional friend meetups so I did not drive myself crazy in the house.
5
Downtown restaurants reopened in June and I wanted to grab a drink with someone who lives there. My head started to scan people based on their geographical location. Mr. M popped up and became the top recommendation. He lives in the center of the city and we haven’t talked to each other for 3 months. I was still clueless about why he flipped out on the trash can. But my urge to socialize and get back to a long awaited dine-in experience superseded everything. I picked up my phone and started typing:
“Hey M! How are you doing? Are you still in Columbus?” Need to validate and pin down the geographical location. That is very important.
“Hi Fan! I’m doing fine. Yes I’m still in Columbus. How are you?” Seems like he was in a good mood that is eligible for social invitation.
“I’m okay! Still surviving the pandemics. The restaurants and bars just reopened downtown. Do you want to grab some food and drink together?”
“Sure…”
At that moment, the grumpy tornado dissolved into a breeze through the texts. The love arrow was still dumped in the trash can, but perhaps Cupid wanted to give a friendship arrow instead to keep the connection going.
6
Far came that tall, skinny, good looking, grumpy man, walking slowly towards my direction with a hunched back. “What happened to his back?” I wondered.
“I haven’t come out of my apartment for almost three months. This is the first time I got out since the pandemics. It’s so bright outside…” Mr. M squinted his eyes as if they were struck by sharp lights.
His face was pale from insufficient exposure to sunlight. I looked up at his face and found this moment comical. I just woke up a vampire from a thousand year sleep!
We sat down and ate, catching up on what happened in the past months and talking about each other’s life. Turned out that Mr. M:
- Is single.
- Is 5 years older than me.
- Is the only child like me.
- Is a very good listener.
- Is easy to talk to.
- Has pretty good life experiences and wisdom.
- Has a great sense of humor.
- Described himself as a “modern hippie” that resonated with me.
- Did not blush after drinking alcohol.
- Loves whiskey. Held up pretty well with two pours.
- Did not mind chatting with me until the bar closed at midnight.
- Is a gentleman.
We had a good time and I drank too much. I threw up on the driver’s side door of my car after two glasses of Rosé. Gladly I held it in until M left so I did not embarrass myself. For some reason, what also got released that night beyond my vomit was the grumpy, petty, and angry M behind the trash can. There was more to this man than I thought.
7
So I got myself a new friend, Mr. M, for the summer. Sometimes we met from work events. Other times we texted to meet up every few months to chat, and stayed until the bar closed.
Our conversations covered everything: work, life, love, art, music, family, etc. He became my first male friend that went pretty deep and close to my heart. It felt like family. I was at ease when I spent time with him.
Each time we met, we chatted until midnight when the bars closed. Next morning, I’d receive a text: “So, are you feeling a hangover from last night?”.
All I knew was that I enjoyed grabbing a drink and chatting with M every now and then. We both love music and comedies. Occasionally we would send each other our favorite music on Spotify, and we both said we would buy the ticket to see Hasan Minhaj’s show in Columbus.
8
I invited M to my housewarming party. He did not show up. Life got busy. Most of the time was me swimming in the pool of love learning about relationships and dismantling the walls I have built for years.
We have not been in contact for 2 months and Mr. M started to drift away from my friend zone.
9
I graduated from the school of love, again. After a year and a half, I broke up with the man I was dating for good after the realization that I have learned enough and it was leading to nowhere. With two pre-purchased tickets to Hasan Minhaj’s show, I took my girl friend K to the comedy night. K and I met from work and we have been friends for 2 years.
There was a long line outside the theater. I slowly walked along the line trying to find the end. A familiar tall skinny man stood out to me from the crowd.
“M?!” I exclaimed.
“…….” He looked over and was in shock.
K and I cut the line and started chatting with M. K invited him to join us for a drink after the show.
Up at the rooftop bar, I got a little tipsy and started gazing at Mr. M that I have not met for two months. I think M grew taller and bigger in shape. I wasn’t sure if it was the effect of the alcohol. All I remembered was his eyes and his deep voice that reminded me of Podcast hosts.
We stayed until the bar closed and went for pizza at 2am. I got home by 3am. Received his morning text just like the old days, “So, how hungover are you?”.
That morning, I wrote in my journal:
“I just don’t want the night to end.” I said to myself in my heart.
I want to lay on a couch, pour a small cup of hot sake from a warm bottle, lean my head against a warm shoulder or a wide chest, and chat by the fire for the whole night. I want to uncover the depth of humanity and closeness. I want to know everything about this world through this person I am leaning on. I want to merge into the space where time is timeless. I want to feel oneness in this moment where walls are dissolved and souls are converged. Because this is the realm I am learning to reach over and over again. A place that goes beyond the physical and dwells the soul.
10
I am determined to start my yoga business after a year of preparation. Now that I am back to single, this would be the perfect time to focus on myself. I stayed up late each night coding and designing my website to promote my yoga retreat in April.
9:15pm on a day when I was busy coding the landing page of the retreat, a text came through:
“Hi Fan! How are you? I was wondering if you’d be interested in going on a date with me. We can check out a cool thrift store, grab dinner, and go for a drink after. I’m thinking we can go either this Friday or next Saturday. Let me know when works for you.” It was from Mr. M.
What?! My head was buzzing with shock and confusion. After blaming me about the trash can, being my coworker for 2 years, and swinging at the border line of my friend zone for a year, Mr. M asked me out for the first time, but not for food or drink. It’s a freaking serious date!
Didn’t I just end a relationship? Didn’t I make up my mind to find a donor and be a rich single mom? Didn’t I decide to focus on my business and forget about relationships?
I had a panic attack and desperately needed advice. I dialed K’s number. This girl has always done exactly what she said “If you call me, I would pick up the phone for sure. I prefer calling than texting.” She saved my day and I fucking love her.
“Well, I’d give it a chance. He planned the whole thing, which means that he is serious about this. I can help you write the message back, Fan. Don’t worry about it. This is good news! I’m happy for you!” K responded.
So I said yes with the condition that “if either of us does not feel it romantically, we can still be friends.”
An hour later, we got the date scheduled.
11
Having known M for 2 years, I have never thought about us in a romantic connection. I have so many questions in my head. The trash can, the no-show at my housewarming party, the no invitation from him for drink whatsoever, the all-of-a-sudden date. His “cranky nature” softened as we started to hang out as friends, but he has never crossed the friend zone in my mind.
The first date was smooth. I was like a kettle on a hot stove dying to spill my boiled-up questions about how he ended up asking me out on a date. We talked just like the old days (mostly me asking him tons of questions and him patiently responding), and we closed the night with a friendly hug. I was not sure if I felt love, yet.
12
We didn’t kiss until the end of our second date after sharing everything about our past relationships. I was surprised that we shared a lot of similar experiences from the past. To keep the night going and find a place to chat that is still open, we sat in a club filled with loud music and dancing college boys and girls.
“I think I’m going to kiss you now.” He looked me in the eyes. I resisted the urge to confirm what he said since the music was really loud. I vaguely heard “kiss” and smiled.
Gosh M is a good kisser. The Cupid arrow flew out of the trash can and was shot straight to my heart. That kiss changed everything. I fell in love.
13
Mr. M showed me what it felt like when love was reciprocated. Years of walls dismantled. Layers of pain dissolved. I finally see myself go beyond fear and give love a chance.
A “Ding” on the phone that flustered the heart without even seeing the message.
A kiss on the lips that invited the flowing of two pulsing hearts when we met.
A whisper of love that pleased the ear of the soul when truth was revealed.
A gaze into the eyes that brought back a piece of lost memory.
All of these reminded me that I am love living through every moment with love instead of fear.
14
What I have read and heard is true: love can be extremely healing when you are ready and open.
It took me 10 years to feel right about love and love like an innocent school girl. Then 32 years of growth brought me to this moment where relearned love over and over again, each time with new understanding and feelings.
I am him. He is me. And that’s when I experience the mystery of life — oneness.
